Sitting alone scares me. The thought of getting a whole lot of free time terrifies me, not as a result of I’m afraid of being alone or losing interest or any of that, however as a result of I’m scared to suppose. I’m afraid of the ideas that can maintain drizzling via my thoughts the second I’ve all that free time for myself.
Generally I increase the amount of my stereo so excessive that I received’t hear the sounds of my very own ideas. Recently, I’ve been throwing myself into the corporate of everybody round me relatively than my very own, as a result of I do know that after I’m alone, I’ll maintain considering and I’ll simply be on their lonesome with my ideas. I spotted that I’ve been avoiding sitting alone for such a very long time now. I stored throwing myself into one factor after the opposite in order that I’d be so rattling occupied on a regular basis and too busy and drained to have any time or power left to simply sit and suppose.
I stored operating away from myself and escaping each single alternative that can give me the time to simply cope with what’s occurring inside my thoughts. However life is ironic; it’s like it can truly drive you someway to take a seat with your self finally and suppose, irrespective of how a lot you don’t need to.
The factor is, generally it will get scary inside my head. Generally I don’t need to dive too deep into my ideas and discover them and even face them — however I got here to comprehend you can’t simply run away from your personal self your entire life.
So, after I truly had that point to cope with what’s inside my head, it was darkish. It’s a large number that I’m nonetheless making an attempt to type out. However I spotted that it’s the suitable factor to do. It’s the suitable factor to cope with the components of you that you’ve got been avoiding all alongside. It’s the suitable factor to simply sit and get to face what’s actually inside you. It’s wholesome, truly. I do know it’s not simple, but it surely’s the suitable factor to do.
I simply stored operating and operating, however you understand what? I’m truly uninterested in operating. I simply can’t carry on doing it anymore. It’s time to strip off the band support and face myself. It’s time to acknowledge the darkish components in my thoughts and cope with them. As a result of I don’t need to spend a lifetime making an attempt to flee my very own self.