Like many individuals, I’ve all the time been laborious on myself. I grew up as a perfectionist. In my thoughts, I knew what it meant to be “excellent.” I wanted to be the peerlessly poised one who didn’t get her feathers ruffled simply and went with the movement as a substitute of stressing out 24/7 like I truly do. I wanted to be the one that was all the time relaxed as a substitute of affected by anxiousness and worrying about issues outdoors of her management. I wanted to be the particular person I believed my mates or individuals I noticed out on this planet had been—extremely assured. And if I wasn’t these items and extra—which I by no means was—then I might be upset in myself, figuring out I might do higher. If I simply tried laborious sufficient, I’d all the time assume, then I might be excellent. My flaws would not hassle me anymore; my neuroses would disappear. I’d lastly be comfortable, a “good” particular person, and my life could be full.
However, in fact, life doesn’t work that manner. I’ve flaws identical to everybody else. And albeit, I’m bored with pretending they don’t hassle me, and I’m bored with being so slowed down by my flaws that they do hassle me. As a substitute, I need to acknowledge them, the issues I need to change about myself, and the infinite room I’ve to develop inside.
I admit that I’m typically insecure. I doubt myself frequently. Imposter syndrome could be very actual, and it’s one thing that I battle with every day. Insecurity is a pure feeling, whether or not it comes from evaluating your self to others or focusing in your flaws. As a lot as I don’t need to have insecurity, I do, and that’s okay. I’m granting myself room to develop.
I admit that I’ve a number of anxiousness. I used to be all the time very anxious as a child, and this has adopted me into my grownup life. I fear about what individuals will take into consideration me. I fear I’ll say one thing unsuitable. I fear I’ll embarrass myself or take into consideration all of the occasions I’ve embarrassed myself and fear that it’ll occur once more. I fear about worrying. I fear so much. And although remedy, medicine, and my very own self-help rituals have helped ease my anxiousness, it’s nonetheless there. That’s okay. I’m granting myself room to develop.
I admit that I’m not excellent. Irrespective of how excellent I’d wish to be, I by no means will likely be; perfection is a fantasy. There’ll all the time be someplace I can enhance in my life, and always making an attempt to try for my model of perfection will solely drive me to exhaustion and a endless sample of questioning my price. Am I adequate? Am I doing sufficient? Am I sufficient? And the reply isn’t any. The reply will all the time be no, as a result of there’s all the time one thing else to seek out inside myself that’s not flawless. I can not merely escape of the thought sample of a perfectionist, and that’s okay. I’m granting myself room to develop.
I admit that I’m laborious on myself. I’m conscious about my flaws, and I typically berate myself for having them. I nearly all the time consider all of the issues unsuitable about me, all the things I need to change about myself, and it results in a thought sample of self-doubt, even self-hatred, as a result of I’m unable to magically change these items about myself. And once I understand I’m being too laborious on myself, I beat myself up about being too laborious on myself, and that turns into one thing else to repair. These all develop into endless cycles of negativity towards myself, and it solely leaves me feeling depressing. I’m laborious on myself, and I’m laborious on myself for being laborious on myself, and that’s okay. I’m granting myself room to develop.
I’m granting myself room to develop in all these elements of my life and extra, as a result of I deserve it. Everybody deserves it. We’re all doing the most effective that we will, together with me. I might by no means berate another person about their flaws and the way they’re being laborious on themselves due to it, so why would I do the identical to myself? Too typically, I get caught up in making an attempt to manage my total conduct and who I’m as an individual, and, too typically, I overlook that I’m human. It’s going to take a number of fixed reminders to permit myself some grace, however I’m engaged on it. I’m granting myself room to develop, and I hope you’re as properly.