I shouldn’t care, however I do.
I shouldn’t really feel anxious, however I do. I shouldn’t really feel warmth brush over my complete physique as my arms start to shake. My coronary heart hurries up. In my thoughts I’m okay, however my physique says in a different way.
Ideas enter as I query what I assumed was the reality. Do I nonetheless care? Ought to I nonetheless care? It’s onerous to confess to anybody not to mention myself that I can’t assist however nonetheless really feel these feelings. Embarrassed by my physique’s response to one thing my thoughts has gotten over way back. Embarrassed by how deeply I ended up feeling for you. That I’m nonetheless affected in a roundabout way. That I nonetheless react to you. Unsure of the place it stems from. I query. My coronary heart is enjoying tips on me.
I battle with components of myself that I reward. The power to be okay with you. I need you in my life. The power to be associates with you. However can we at all times get what we wish? For the primary time, I really feel as if this may not be doable. I used to be beginning to fall. I’m not prepared. Nonetheless afraid of my reactions. Intimidated by my feelings. Frightened of you. And my means to put you on this new location in my life. wow. It is a first…
I don’t need these feelings anyplace close to me. I don’t need you anyplace close to me. That carefree pleasant nature immediately shut down, compelled to really feel bitterness. Pressured to really feel.
Self-conscious. Uneasy. Uncomfortable.
The guts holds an excessive amount of management. Frightened of its energy, I run. It’s fairly straightforward, you realize. To talk the phrases straight out of your head. The phrases that make sense. The phrases that you realize are rational, reasonable, and true. All whereas feeling the pull. The few tiny strings which might be nonetheless left with him, pulling only a bit more durable when he comes close to. Mad that your good sense can’t lower it free.
They linger. You’ve moved on. You’ve moved on fairly nicely. Prepared for the following. Understanding the following will likely be higher. You’ve grown. You’ve realized the teachings. You’re extra prepared than you have been earlier than. Conscious of what you might be searching for. You’re completely satisfied to be free. He’s misplaced you. He didn’t actually even know you, not all of you. You don’t need him. You’re prepared for extra. All these ideas exist. All these emotions exist. Concurrently of each other.
Empowered. Blissful. Free.