I really feel like I’m 18 once more.
Huge-eyed and confronted with too many massive selections. I’m too younger to determine how I need to stay the remainder of my life, however the world is telling me that I’ve to.
I don’t get accepted into my first dream faculty. Or my second. I get accepted into the third one and determine that this dream must be the one for me.
I really feel like I’m 18 once more, getting into right into a world not meant for me. Strolling via the doorways of a constructing the place I’ll all the time be inferior. Coming from a spot that you’ve got by no means heard of filled with folks that you’ll in all probability by no means hear of
I really feel like I’m 18 once more and questioning how somebody so younger can expertise a lot harm. How can somebody who has barely even lived a life have already lived via a lot? How can I probably keep on when every little thing round me is shattering at my toes?
I really feel like I’m 18 once more, and everybody round me is falling in love. I’m sitting on the sidelines, when you are the shining star. I’m second greatest, and she or he is all the time primary.
I really feel like I’m 18 once more and looking within the mirror for only a glimpse of somebody I acknowledge. I can’t discover myself in my eyes or my cheekbones or my chin. I can see the sleepless nights carved out in little hollows below my eyes and the stress in small pink bumps masking the ever-present concern in my brow.
I really feel like I’m 18 once more and looking for somebody who was by no means even there within the first place.
Ten years later and I’m 28. Ten years later and I’m precisely the place I began. Ten years later and I nonetheless can’t discover myself anyplace.
It’s just like the world is at a standstill, and time has frozen, however it’s someway nonetheless propelling me backwards. It’s Iike my toes are caught in cement whereas my coronary heart is caught in a world that can by no means make sense to anybody else however me. I don’t suppose that I’ll ever make sense to anybody else however me.
I’m ready for the hand on the clock to maneuver and launch me from this hell we now have been informed is simply one other 12 months. I’m falling additional away from the life I began for myself 10 years in the past, and there’s completely nothing I can do to interrupt my fall. I’m motionless, but I’m airborne. Flailing into a brand new regular that even my worst nightmares couldn’t have predicted.
And although I’m terrified, I do know that I’ve to maneuver on. I do know that the world doesn’t truly cease shifting while you really feel such as you can’t. I do know that what as soon as was can by no means be once more. I do know that the previous is the previous, and regardless of how onerous I want for it to come back again to me, it by no means will. I’ll by no means have the ability to return.
You possibly can go to. You possibly can reminisce. However you can not return to a life now not meant for you. You simply can’t.
I really feel like I’m 18 once more and misplaced. I really feel like I’m 18 once more and petrified of leaving every little thing that has been my dwelling for thus lengthy. I really feel like I’m 18 once more, hurdling into the unknown. I really feel like I’m 18 once more, and all I need is to take all of it again.
However now I do know at 28 that I can’t take all of it again. I can’t return. What as soon as was won’t ever be again.
At the moment, I’m 28. And I’m beginning over.
I really feel like I’m 18 once more, and I hope meaning I’m nonetheless in a position to imagine in my desires.