We had some actually great instances collectively. The recollections of the issues we did collectively are there, and I nonetheless have the images of our adventures, and so many cute, romantic moments.
However I can’t bear in mind what they felt like.
It’s been mere months for the reason that day I left, and I truthfully can’t bear in mind the way it felt once we have been completely satisfied. I do not forget that I had been in love, that I had been completely satisfied, however I can’t for the lifetime of me bear in mind how that truly felt.
There are lots of issues I do bear in mind:
The ache of being dismissed and feeling undesirable.
The helplessness I felt after I realized that you simply had lied to me.
The numbness I felt as I used to be being gaslighted and worn down.
The anger which flared in my chest in response to your impassiveness each time I instructed you that you simply have been hurting me.
I bear in mind the way it felt to be on fixed alert, making certain that I used to be stunning and bubbly and attractive and proficient and candy, and the way I assumed that if I could possibly be extra, if I might do these issues higher, then it could really feel such as you truly needed to be with me. If I could possibly be extra engaging and nurturing and affected person, then you definately would actually love me, and we might be superb.
And it doesn’t matter what number of instances I’m instructed that it was not my fault and that I left for all the suitable causes. It doesn’t matter that I knew – and nonetheless know – that I made the suitable determination in leaving.
As a result of this weight nonetheless rests on my shoulders: Should you had truly needed me, you’d have truly tried. Should you had liked me, we might by no means have reached this level.
And so, no matter how laborious I attempted, no matter who’s responsible and who isn’t, the conclusion that I attain is at all times the identical. I can’t perceive what has occurred from every other perspective apart from this:
I wasn’t sufficient so that you can need me.
That thought is haunting, and it eclipses the whole lot else. And I sense that it’s going to proceed to take action for a very long time.